oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
