hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
