the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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