I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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