i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You can't special order awesome
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
