Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
