Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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