Jerry, you need to find god
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
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