It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
