i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
