please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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