Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
