I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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