i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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