My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
