I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
