Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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