dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
