just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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