Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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