i may or may not be watching the land before time
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
