Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
