He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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