If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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