I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
