I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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