I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
