why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Two words: blizzard sex
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
