Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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