Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
