Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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