Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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