I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
