She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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