I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
