I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
