community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
