Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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