that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
