How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
