i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
