I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
