Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Come share oat with me in your robe
this is an emotional support booty call
If I had your ass I would rule the world
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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