I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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