I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
