Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
So apparently I’m into choking now
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
