I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize