I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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