awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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