Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
