This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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