Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
