but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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