I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize