i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
