My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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