After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
