she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
