I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
