Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
