You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dignity is for republicans.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
